This is something that i wrote to myself when i was quitting Alcohol.
I'm tired of things not happening the way I want them to happen. It's bullshit. I should feel good about the things I already have and I still can't feel good about them. I feel guilty for trying, I feel sad when things don't work the way I think they should work. I feel tired and sad. I don't really have many options to make my life work, I am just tired of being yelled at in my environment, feeling worried or guilty, I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I don't know what to do with the things I want. A big part of the manifestations and everything that is coming for me is supposed to be taking a big step, but I don't know how to start anymore. I don't really know what to do anymore to make something that works, I'm tired of things not working and I'm tired of trying. I get asked over and over again, and also I have tried to drop all the crap in the world to be more present, but none of this helps me. I'm too afraid that things won't work out the way I think they should, I'm too afraid to move on with my life. I'm tired of just wanting and expecting so much from people, expecting them to love the way I love them, and it's blocking me to no end. I am too afraid, I don't know how to stop this series of thoughts, I don't know how to stop feeling this way, I am tired of being poor, I am tired of not having enough money to do something with my life, I am just tired of being here. Don't take this the wrong way, I have everything, and I love my family, but I'm really tired of being yelled at, of being made to feel lesser every chance I get. I'm tired of not being accepted for who I am, I'm tired of trying to change the people I love. It's not going to work, it's not working. Nothing I'm doing is working. I'm trying as hard as I can God, I'm trying everything I can, I'm literally trying everything in my heart to make things work, but they're not. I wonder if anyone has the answer to this. I wonder if anyone has ever gotten so tired of trying that they just stopped. Suicide is not an option. I want to live my life. I want to make a change in my life. I want to do something. But I'm tired of nothing I do working. All my businesses fail. All my attempts to do something in Germany fail. I can't get the relationship I want with my family no matter how hard I try. I sink into their misery. My friends don't reciprocate no matter how hard I try. I am really very tired and I don't know how to start to change. I have been reading about change and inner love for over 2 years now, but it doesn't seem to be working much, I don't seem to be making any progress, I have been sober for a few days and I am tired of all the thoughts that come to me when I feel like smoking pot or drinking alcohol. I don't know how to start making things better, I don't know what to do to stop feeling bad and not being able to enjoy the present, no? Why do you keep making the same decisions?
Why are you not able to enjoy the present moment? What do you want?
Stop with this stuff. These are things that I repeat to myself daily when I am not able to reconcile the life I want. In fact, I have been studying medicine for 7 years. I have been studying medicine for 7 years, and a little more than 4 years studying German. I want to work in Germany, I don't know how. I don't know what to do anymore. To be strong, to resist, to change, to love, are the only options. Not to give up.